If you know me at all, you know I have the most crazy, vivid, realistic dreams of anyone I've ever met. Sometimes it's horrifying, sometimes beautiful, usually fairly comical...my brain needs the day time to recover from it's nighttime activities!
Last night was one to commit to memory, though it was exceedingly painful...
I dreamed I died. Not so crazy, people dream of dying all the time, I know. But I dreamed that I died but was unaware of it until some gentle soul broke the news to me. I felt alive, but not present. I remember being so incredibly upset, telling her that I wasn't ready, that I hadn't had time to make sure my children knew how I felt about them. Ridiculous, I tell them every day, and hopefully show them in my actions. But I was absolutely heartbroken because I was sure I hadn't convinced them of just how much I love them. I was at peace with dying, but not with my feelings potentially unknown to my babies. I envisioned them growing old and always doubting whether I truly loved them or not. I wasn't ready...
Luckily for me, I was given one day to accomplish my impossible task. Although I wasn't alive, the kids could see me. I was afraid to touch them, afraid of how they'd react, afraid I'd feel cold, or simply not feel. They didn't accept my passing at first, argued that they could see me, that maybe this was all a sick joke. I did my best, I told them, I showed them, I gave them my best advice for the future. All in one day, all the things I've spent the last 14 years doing, I frantically crammed into one day, just to make sure it stayed with them for a little while longer. Just one day.
I woke up trying to convince myself they'd be ok, that I'd done all I could, that they knew just how much I loved them. And today, I've had more patience with them...we've talked, I've told them point-blank that they mean the world to me. I sent them off to school with an extra squeeze, trying to minimize the everyday fear in my heart.
Because today might just be that one day that we're given. And I don't want it to be wasted.
